How to crush your child's spirit in ten seconds or less
A cautionary tale from a soccer banquet
My daughter and I walked into her soccer banquet in our Sunday dresses, and I dutifully delivered our plate of cookies to the buffet table. I scanned the mostly-filled tables, so we sat down at an empty one and chatted while we waited for my daughter’s friends to arrive.
Eventually her BFF and another good friend, we’ll call her Belle, and Belle’s parents (whom I’d never met), joined us. We filled our plates and made small talk for the majority of the meal. I happened to notice that Belle, typically a sprightly girl with an easy laugh, kept her gaze down and her conversation short.
After awards, I felt more at ease with Belle’s parents, and we started trading vacation stories and memories of years spent in our little charter school. The girls’ conversation turned to year-end projects and miscellaneous papers due, and I noticed Belle’s typical bright eyes and smile returning. I also noticed Belle’s mother’s focus shift from our own conversation to theirs.
“I just finished my English paper last night,” my procrastination-leaning daughter announced.
“I still have to finish mine,” said Belle, laughing.
Belle’s mother’s complexion took on a hue of burgundy. “You didn’t finish that yet?”
Belle’s grin vanished. “I have until fifth hour tomorrow.” Her gaze returned to her empty plate.
“Why do you always wait until the last minute, Belle? We have to stop talking about this because you’re stressing ME out.”
“Fine,” said Belle.
“I’m serious. Grades are important!”
“I know, mom.” Belle’s fair complexion reddened.
Belle’s dad attempted a lighthearted (and rather clever) intervention. “Belle, I don’t know how you managed to inherit all my procrastination habits and still carry a 3.8.”
I chimed in, hoping to help Dad turn things around. “And you’re a three-sport athlete? Well done.”
Belle’s mom straightened and her mouth twisted. “I don’t care how you’re doing or what your GPA is. You can do better.”
Belle froze, and it felt to me like the air had been sucked from the room.
Just then, Coach began his final comments. Afterward we quietly cleaned up, said our goodbyes, and hurried to the car.
But I keep thinking about Belle, and how as mothers we run the risk of crushing a child’s spirit as we work to conquer a child’s will. Paul puts it so succinctly:
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children, lest they lose heart." (Colossians 3:21)
Our heavenly Father saw fit to create each of us as unique. As such, we must know our children well and understand and accept that each of them will have both strengths and limitations. We can’t all be good at everything.
With this in mind, if we take a closer look at Belle’s mother’s statement, she is telling Belle that, despite her strengths, she will never achieve these goals. Try as she might, the goalpost will slip further and further away. Belle can’t win. She will never be good enough.
This may not be what Belle’s mother thinks she’s saying, but this is most certainly what Belle hears.
Of course, we can and should encourage our kids to strive for excellence, and this starts and ends with seeking God’s Word and will, as well as seeking and knowing our children’s hearts. One child’s excellence in math may be a B, while in composition it’s an A+; he’s an MVP in soccer but JV in basketball. All of this is perfectly fine, as long as he is giving his best unto the Lord. As mothers, it’s our job to discern these things. It’s a matter of balancing rules and relationship, a concept I shamelessly stole from the book Parenting with Love and Logic.
I don’t know Belle’s parents. I don’t pretend to understand the inner workings of their family. I do know this: Belle is a freshman who works hard to keep a high GPA despite some questionable study habits. She’s a rather intimidating three-sport athlete. She’s kind, funny and beautiful, sweet and self-conscious.
In a matter of seconds, her mother crushed her spirit (in front of her peers, no less - a discussion for another time).
I pray Belle will persevere. I pray she won’t cave to the hopelessness a relentlessly critical mother can bring (ask me how I know). I pray her mother realizes there’s a better way to guide her sweet daughter, and I pray that she seeks the Lord for wisdom and seeks her daughter’s heart.
The best advice I can give, because it changed my parenting life, is when tension rises, to run all your parenting efforts through this question:
Does the behavior I’m requiring, and the methods I’m using line up with God’s Word?
Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."